Roycelle Parker, Development Manager
LOSS…of a loved one, pet, significant other, job, favorite thing (car), relationship (breakups always hurt)… MISSED…deadline, moment, interview/appointment, opportunity, saying a last goodbye…
I suffered some things last week that left me feeling some kind of way – knocked the wind out of me – blew my motivation – stalled my engine. All were business related and unexpected.
One was a missed deadline for this huge grant we were applying for. Man! I felt it in my bones that this grant had our name on it – we were shoe-ins to get it (in my mind). Even through pitfalls and computer problems and miscommunication (or lack thereof), I was yet confident that we would get it in on time. We were even graced with 2 extensions (thank you, Lord) so there was plenty of time. And yet, we found ourselves with 5 minutes left to submit and 50,000 (exaggeration) uploads to complete…the clock ticking LOUDLY in my hearing…11:59pm…one more document to upload…12am…document uploading…12:01…upload complete…where’s the submit button…there it is…then…DING!!!! “Sorry this application is now CLOSED.” Blank stare…disbelief…focused stare on computer clock…12:02am…Slack messages from teammates…Did we make it? Was it submitted?…Lump in throat…can’t respond…pause…pause…responded…”didn’t make it”…tears…those words then began ringing loudly in my ears…WE…DIDN’T…MAKE…IT…
Who does that? Who has all the time in the world and STILL misses the deadline?!!! What do you do with that? When you’ve done all that you needed to do – put forth your very best effort and STILLLLLLLLLL…uggghhh!!! I was dead inside. Then Slack messages start pouring in: “thank you for trying”…What??? “Did the portal close…” What??? The words were gibberish – did not compute. “…Y’all are amazing…Thank you for all your hard work…” WHAT????? I couldn’t discern any of it, so I just rolled up into a ball and tried to sleep the pain and anguish away. Tossed and turned all night, pondering in my mind, exactly what happened. Blamed myself. Blamed others. Blamed myself again…
Later that morning, I attended our church’s regular prayer meeting on Zoom. I figured that was the BEST outlet for my lack of sleep – get up and pray for others. As the prayer meeting began, we were all able to offer up a prayer of thanksgiving to God. In my mind, I’m thinking, “O, that’s easy to do. I’m always grateful”. Then…this flood of tears came…I couldn’t pray. But, the prayers that everyone else lifted up to God began to wash me – wash my whole soul of all the angst – cleanse my heart of all regret – soothed my doubts and calmed my fears. I was being healed in the midst of mourning this loss – this missed deadline – this important event in my life. Thank you, Lord.
That was followed up by taking a self-care day. What I call my “brain break.” When you exert so much time and attention to a thing, part of mourning is allowing your mind to relax, release, replenish. I knew that there was no way that I could go back to work fully functional until I allowed myself this time. Some things just need to be mourned. Remember that as you continue to be GREAT out in these streets.
1 Peter 5:10 – But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
– Roycelle Parker
